A Mess of Metaphors to Introduce Myself
They're actually similes and analogies but the alliteration works better for a title.
I, like many people, am a procrastinator first, and an everything-else after that. To clarify, I mean I mainly operate as someone who has SO! MANY! GREAT! IDEAS! You know the ones: the ones I’ll get to when the time feels right. The ones I’ll make time for when The Invisible Wand of Creative Productivity strikes me smack in the middle of doing the dishes and then it all just flows out of me from there. The ones that feel so real they are practically tangible until the very moment you attempt to put pen to paper, paintbrush to canvas, finger to shutter, or even just try to speak them out loud. Those ones. The ones that fizzle into nothingness the second you think you’ve wrapped your hand around them. They are the proverbial waves in the proverbial sand. Transient, ever moving, ever changing, but absolutely never built upon because I just can’t figure out how.
In case you missed it, The Invisible Wand of Creative Productivity isn’t real. I just made it up. What I’m referring to really is the ever elusive but always coveted feeling of Inspiration. The one with the capital I that we never stop believing in no matter how many times we call on it to no avail. The imposter bridge over the gap of having great ideas and making them start to happen. All the SO! MANY! GREAT! IDEAS! flinging themselves straight off the cliff and into the depths of the gap because they really thought that Inspiration Bridge would get them to the other side. But now the ideas are all swirled together at the bottom, in The River of Soon-to-be-Forgotten Intentions. The ones that inevitably drift and continue to churn together until they reach The Lake of Life’s Despair.
Lucky for me however, something adjacent to the aforementioned striking of an Invisible Wand came over me today. I mean just look at all these words I typed onto this page! Wow! Certainly the work of a mythical magical force! Or maybe, just maybe, this writing-endeavor I’m finally back on will -by virtue of what I just described- be difficult to actually do sometimes. It wasn’t an Invisible Wand, it was sheer force of will.
So far, “the flow” I imagined is more like a spitting faucet full of air bubbles, coughing and choking on every word I put down. I suppose that’s why they say that perfectionism is the leading cause of procrastination. I don’t want my words to flow out of the faucet unless the stream is seamless and soundless and clear and focused and sparkly and lovely and PERFECT! People might look at me funny if I cough, and the monkey-part of my brain is convinced I won’t survive that. Even though all the while, the water is up inside my tank just waiting to come out, lest I find a way to simply let it. So, can you forgive my spitting and coughing? It’s time I turn on the tap, because I think I finally realized the funny looks are way more survivable than the unbearable thirst caused by the taps never being turned on. It’s time now to finally quench the thirst of being a human who contributes something worthwhile to this big ole world.
So ya, I’m a procrastinator because of my issues with perfectionism. Isn’t it thrilling? Now you can listen to someone else complain about the same problem virtually every Creative has had since the beginning of time. You can picture me, a 31 year old girl (I have long blonde hair if you needed more visuals), crushing myself under unnecessary, unhelpful, and often unrelated demands. (You can use an object like books if you’re actually trying to picture it. The books should say things like “needless pressure”, “avoidable hardships” ,and “irrelevant hypotheticals” on their spines. And me, the blonde girl, is being slowly but surely crushed under the weight of them. If that helps.)
Now stick with me here, but I think the thing that keeps adding heavy books to the crushing pile are the pressures of late-stage capitalism. Where Productivity is king and Inspiration is just picturing more and more zeroes being added to your bottom line. The Land where it’s all for one and also one for one, but never one for all. The ongoing trend of hyper-individuality brought on by this system seeks to drill into us that it’s lame and dumb to have the same (or even just similar) problems as everyone (or anyone) else. To be ultimately productive is to be perfect. Perfectionism tells us that we can’t express our troubles because we should be fine and not have any. But on top of that, the Land of Capitalism tells us that if we do have any troubles and want to express them, then they should at least be unique. Otherwise they are basic, boring, lame, and overdone. The system works in the interest of atomization. Its main mission: To alienate the masses for the sake of profit. Because alienated people feel the deep discomfort intrinsic to being separate from everyone else. Because that discomfort manifests itself as a hole that needs filling. And because the easiest way The Land convinces us to do that is by buying things to fill it. Because otherwise we might just all figure out that we are not so separate, that we function together, that we are all so similar that our problems can be distilled down to effectively the same things. And if that were to be the case, then we probably already have all the solutions. But instead of them being external sources of repair which cost money, they come from within us or within our groups, and cost nothing.
Unfortunately, this system of alienation is now so pervasive that we often miss how insidiously it splits us apart. What I’m really getting at is a recognition of what continues to hold me back. Maybe you struggle with something similar, the colloquial term being Imposter Syndrome. I haven’t written publicly because internally I see my thoughts as being too repetitive (i.e. basic, boring, lame, and overdone), so not worth working on and sharing.
The lasting damage of The Land of late-stage Capitalism is that we internalize its functions without noticing. The key is remembering that the noticing is the only thing that might be able stop all the SO! MANY! GREAT! IDEAS! from continuing to fling themselves without mercy into the gap just because the king keeps conjuring up and forcefully implementing those damn fake bridges. Remember: you are not the imposter, it has always been the bridge. Inspiration isn’t a mythical force that can be captured and synthesized into material strategies for making things happen. Sheer force of will however, can be. But its important to know that sheer force of will is hard and that we’re all continuously struggling with it. We’re all air bubble filled faucets choking and spitting on the water that holds all our thoughts, hopes, opinions, and dreams. Which, although sounds distressing and annoying, it’s actually really cool. Because once we find a way to admit this to ourselves we can all freely cough and spit our air bubbles out through life together! Um…? What I mean is that perfectionism is futile, that productivity is the function of a system I wish to opt-out of, that Inspiration isn’t real, and that “the flow” is overrated. My faucet-simile sort of fell apart, but you know what I’m saying.
For the bridge-analogy’s sake let’s think about functional ways we can imagine ourselves crossing over the gap. Maybe our force of will can be a tight rope stretching across to both sides, the practice of focusing: a zip-line, the continual act of consistency as a little Cessna airplane, and time and effort can be the real bridge we slowly build together. Messy metaphors, bad punctuation, too many synonym searches, and blatant vulnerability are all par for the course of crossing the gap to the side where we can start making things happen. It might not be as simple as crossing a bridge, but at least we’re getting to where we want to be.
I was trying to introduce myself, but I think what ended up happening is that I introduced myself to a newfound understanding instead. That although Inspiration really does look and feel exactly like a bridge, it is, in fact, not one. There is no bridge, there is only a gap. Now that I’ve noticed that the bridge was a trap, I see that getting to the side where things start to happen takes effort. It takes tools, practice, consistency, unwavering will and might and focus, maybe some bravery and a little bit of privilege, and definitely lots of time. What it needs above all else is a fearlessness in the face of this recognition. And through that fearlessness we may all join together, sharing tools and ideas, zip-lines and Cessnas; because we may all be coughing and spitting, but at least we’re doing it together.
Ok so I know I claimed fearlessness in the face of recognition, but I now hate every single word I put down. I doubt the entire piece, which translates directly into doubting my entire self. Love that for me! SO FUN! But fret not, for I am now pushing past that (and not just because I promised my therapist that I would send her the published link by Saturday, but ok maybe that’s exactly why). Imposter Syndrome runs deep! Lucky for you I’m not just a perfectionist I’m also a people pleaser. But we’ll save that for the next time, I still have to come up with far-fetched metaphors for that one.
And for the sake of swinging back around and doing what was intended here: I’m E, I’m blonde and I’m 31. I’m not the girl in my picture, but I am a perfectionist and a people pleaser, and my tears are really sparkly and pink!
I have a lot of love and ideas I think might be worth sharing. I’m Canadian but I live in Berlin, Germany. I used to have a tumblr-blog, which initially centered around having a severe eating disorder, morphed into a recovery page, then became a diary of my early 20s living in Toronto. I want to tap back into that part of myself but this time I want it to feel more communal. I also want it to be fluid and flexible in how it’s presented, no real rules, a subversion of what might be expected; playful, even. In the decade since the conception of my tumblr I’ve lived a lot of life and gained a lot of understanding, but of course, recognize that there is always more to learn. I love the concepts of growth and expansion, of the limitlessness that becomes available to us all when we allow it. I believe in kindness over niceness, in socialism over capitalism, in hope over despair. I don’t really believe in good versus bad, or virtuousness versus evil. Every possible action subject to it’s very own circumstance, with reasons that were likely valid under those conditions. Some might call it Radical Acceptance. I hope to wade and sift through those thoughts and ideas here, with you. Less like a diary, more like an ongoing discussion amongst friends. I want it to be honest and curious and hopeful. I want it, and you, to help us find grace in our angers, wisdom in our trials and tribulations, and a profound understanding that the messiness of being alive IS the real perfection. If any of that sounds kinda cool to you, then please hit subscribe. The aim will be to put something out once a week or so.